For my next trick...

I'm going to singlehandedly improve the computer knowledge of all our customers.

I'm going to teach them what "the beginning" really is. I'm going to teach them why "on your platform" answers no questions. I'm going to teach them that "I'm short 50 in lean hogs with a 850 put and want to see what type of selling strategy I should use" is a good question to ask someone who has actually traded before.

The answers, of course, go like this:
1) It's your desktop, fool. Go to Bofo Community College two towns over and figure out what an "on" button is before asking me was esc means.
2) The company I work for is owned by another company. We support both websites and both of their "Express" versions. They're not a whole lot different, but, I need to know what you use in order to properly help you. That's just how it is. Learn what you're looking at by following the instructions in response #1.
3) I am not a trader. I would not like to become a trader. I have no ambitions to do this. If I say this to you, the next logical thought in your head should be "is this person who knows nothing about the thing I need advice about a good person to ask advice about said thing?" The answer is no, my dear idiot, and you should keep that in mind instead of asking me the same question again. I will turn into Randall from Clerks before you know it, and you'll spend half your life wondering how you lost so much because you bought 3,000 contracts of butter. I am whimsical. I like to make subtle jokes that take you a week to realize your folly. I have a dry, evil wit.

And I'm not afraid to use it.