The Myths and Realities of the Tech Desk Worker

Let's start with the myths:
1) Through the magic of telecommunication, I can see, through the phone, exactly what you see on the screen.
2) I can read your mind.
3) I can expertly answer questions about each and every program you have ever seen, heard of, or dreamt up, regardless of me ever having seen, heard of, or used it.
4) I will answer your call promptly and without hesitation at all hours of the night.
5) I enjoy pedantic babbling(you might call it small talk).
6) I am giving you and you problem my undivided attention.
7) I am in charge of everything that happens in our website. As a matter of fact, I invented the internet, and I run every site online.
8) I am here to teach you how to pee.
9) I will lay down any sacrifice to make your problem go away. Willingly and without hesitation.
10) The problem is entirely my fault. I am here to help you as pennance.

Realities:
1) If you think I can see what you see, read your mind, or otherwise, you are a complete idiot.
2) If you ask me a dumb question, I will regale my co-workers with your ineptness. Then my friends, then my family. Pretty soon, hopefully, someone will start off a story to you with "so a friend of mine works tech support, and he got this call..."
3) Speak only when spoken to. Try to answer the question without telling in a story about your dog, granddaughter, or neighbor's tree. I am highly unlikely to be at all interested.
4) If I do ask you a question, do not reply with "well, you tell me."
5) I am trained to support our software. Norton tech support is trained to support theirs, Windows theirs, etc. that how the world works. If you've got problems with their software, call them. I can't fix it. Nor will I call them for you.
6) You should know the basics of using a computer if you are using a computer. Do not ask me how to double-click. See reality number 2.
7) While I am talking to you, I am probably playing a game, IMing with at least one friend, and checking my e-mail. While your problem is important, I'm really just trying to get you off the phone so I can get back to what I'm doing. Don't take offense. That's just how I work best.
8) While you're babbling on and on about how your son keeps breaking through to adult sites, my lunch is getting cold. This makes me exceedingly angry.
9) I didn't write the goddamn thing. I'm trying to fix it. Don't yell at me.
10) I like you.

I know, it's blunt, and it screams of Clerks-esque influence, but it's how I'm feeling right about now. I blame Friday Five for closing up shop. Now I've got no one to show off for.