Tales from the nightshift

I love working nights- the phones are slow, and the clients are slower. Here's a couple of doozies that I've had tonight:

Me: "You account has been turned off, sir."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Me: "I mean that your account no longer has online access."
Customer: "So, why can't I log on?"
Me: "Because your account's online access is turned off."
Customer: "What should I do?"
Me: "It looks like you might be on a margin call, you should call your broker."
Customer: "But why was I able to log on 3 days ago?"
Me: "Probably because your online access was on."
Customer: "And why not now?"
Me: "Because your online access is turned off."

This went on for several minutes before he finally got it.

Customer: "I've been using your program for some time now, but it won't accept this order. I keeps rejecting."
Me: "Ok, what are you putting in exactly?"
Customer: "Can you walk me through it?"
Me: "That's what I'm trying to do."
Customer: "I put in [mumble-mumble], and click submit."
Me: "I couldn't hear you, could you repeat that?"
He describes to me the order so I can hear him.
Customer: "And then I click on GTC for good til cancel."
Me: "What does it say?"
Customer: "It says open orders are not accepted."
Me: "So, don't check the GTC box- the broker does not accept open orders.
Customer: "Ok, let me resubmit... and I check the GTC box and say submit."
Me: "No, do NOT click the GTC box. Open orders are not accepted."
Customer: "What?"
Me: "Open orders, as in good til cancel orders, are not accepted. Do not click the GTC box."
Customer: "Ok. Let me resubmit... and I check the GTC box..."
Me: "NO. Do NOT check the GTC box. Open orders, that is good til cancels and good til dates, are not accepted."
Customer: "Ok. I will resubmit... what does invalid good til date mean? How should I enter it?"
Me: "You shouldn't enter it at all. Open orders are NOT accepted. Submit the order WITHOUT entering a date OR checking the GTC box."
Customer: "Ok, so I shouldn't do that?"
This is usually the part where the voice in my head chimes in with some witty, snide comment. All I heard from the voice in my head was "fuck this, I need a drink" some footsteps, then a door slamming. A few seconds later, a car started and I heard tires screech on asphalt.
Me: "Sir, please do NOT enter anything in that box. You HAVE to leave it BLANK. Do NOT check the GTC box, either."
Customer: "Ok, let me resubmit... acceptance in progress... nothing seemed to happen."
Me: "Check your working orders screen."
Customer: "What's that?"
I tell him how to access the second most used screen in our program, which he's been using for 2 years. He's managed not only to get that order through, but to get it through multiple times.

By the time I hang up with him, I'm wishing I'd brought a flask full of scotch for myself. This is why I'm considering another career change. Enough bitching. I'm almost done, then it's cruise home and get myself a drink and some sleep before I have to return tomorrow. Lookin' forward to that, too.